The Ikea instructions quite clearly promise that if Jonathan and I put this furniture together as a team, we will be happy and smiling. This is a goddamn lie.

Also, never in the entire history of human migration have two people gone so shambolically two hundred yards down the road. Yesterday, for example, we bought four salted caramel KitKats as a little treat for ourselves as a reward for working so hard. We immediately lost them somewhere in the house and now have no idea where they are. This is also true of our big mixing bowl, but somehow the salted caramel KitKat loss seems more tragic.